Wisdom of the Ages

Some of my favourites from this site of some 7000-odd:

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgemental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape isn't it?

Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.

...and last but not least....*ba DUM Tish*:

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.