Monday, November 06, 2006

Old, but good, advice....

....for prospective parents:

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Go to the local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5 pm to 10 pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10 pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2.45 am. Get up again at 3 am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4 am. Put the alarm on for 5 am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this -- all morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

7. Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Weetabix and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an aeroplane. Continue until half the Weetabix is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing Postman Pat at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

9 Comments:

At 7:29 AM, Blogger Sarah O. said...

WONDERFUL!

Um, may I please steal (pinch) it?

I will give you full credit, of course.

I may have to change Postman Pat to Teletubbies and Fireman Sam to Thomas the Tank Engine.

Yeah, all of American kid shows are Japanese, Canadian or English. Sometimes Australian.

 
At 7:33 AM, Blogger Sarah O. said...

Also, wys, glad to see that you're posting again! Guess the Winter (Summer? You never did set me straight on what you call your cold season) doldrums.

May I add you to my blogroll for all the world to see? OK, for the 40 or so to see?

 
At 8:30 PM, Blogger x_claire_x said...

hey...not left u a comment in a while so thought id say hello! how are you? claire

 
At 8:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i am only writing this because claire told me to, goodbyeeeeee

 
At 8:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i am only writing this because claire told me to, goodbyeeeeee

 
At 8:38 PM, Blogger Minihub said...

I'm in Claire's class too. WTF is this all about? Obviously a dude called Dave is not going to be a chick called Claire. Could someone enlighten me please?

 
At 9:58 AM, Blogger wysiwyg said...

Scat - of course you can pinch stuff, and refer to the site. Just don't make any promises about the quality of this place that I can't live up to.

And yes, we seem to have emerged from the Winer doldrums just in time to enter the silly season prior to Christmas. Yesterday involved a long lunch with a friend I hadn't caught up with in a while, the Melbourne Cup lunch at work (I won $2 in the sweepstakes for last place, which is an improvement from previous years where I won nothing), and then out to dinner last night for a friend's 50th birthday party.

But that's just the start, it pretty well becomes a continuous party from now on, so I'll have to get my liver into shape if I'm to keep up.

And whatever you replace Postman Pat with, DON'T replace him with the Teletubbies. That show is beyond weird.

Hiya Claire! I'm going well I daresay. Its time to start putting up the Christmas decorations at work - I have so many that it takes some weeks to get them all up. You can see last year's effort HERE.

Minihub - this site was started as a joke quite some time ago.

As fans of the Dave Barry Blog (see the link at the top of the page), we all try and and suggest whacky things to him to post.

Unfortunately for us though, a professional journalist by the name of Claire Martin kept beating us to the punch. So as a reaction to that I set up this site where WE could post things instead.

Over time though, it has settled down to be just my own blog, where I just post funny stuff that I come across or people send me.

 
At 11:45 AM, Blogger Sarah O. said...

wys, I saw your lovely video last year. Yet I did not pay attention to the (your, I assume) real name on the award certificate.

...I kind of feel like I've just discovered that Batman is Bruce Wayne.

 
At 2:03 PM, Blogger wysiwyg said...

Scat: Yeah, and I should look as good! The name on the certificate is a complete fake - I wouldn't want my work-mates knowing my REAL name after all, they might be STALKERS!

 

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