Ten Words that Don't Exist but Should...

Parents need more words to describe the weird things that happen to them on a regular basis. Here are some suggestions:

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus)adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPETUATION (kar pet' u a shun)n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. UNDUST (un dust')n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun)n. The act of manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay')n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh)n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. LATTEBLOW (la tay' blow)v. Unintentional expusion of milk through the nose during a laugh.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun)n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

New Math

How teaching match has changed over the years:

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" for profits?

Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 1997: A company out-sources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 1998: A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging-company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?

Teaching Math in 1999: A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/00?

Stupid Computer Tricks

I came across THIS site recently - features photos of the strange things people do to their computers. A hoot for anyone who has worked in IT user support.

Dictionary for Women

Thanks to Kaf for this:


Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v. To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire."

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleanedeverything up, but he "made the dinner."

Blond jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend an hour and a half writing, then forget to take it with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*ser) n. Someone who is able to create a style that you will never be able to duplicate. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 30 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, "Focus... breathe... push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips: color to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar: coloring only a tramp would wear.

Park (park) v/n. Before children, a verb meaning "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and a slide.

Patience (pa*shens)n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage, and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinz dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds and romance, but consider yourself lucky to geta card.

Waterproof Mascara (Wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Zillion (zil*yen) n. The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway.

"Shotgun" Rules

A useful reference site for those people that like riding up front:

http://shotgunrules.com/

Valentine's day gift for the lady of your life

http://66.34.10.12/aaamembersnew/zac/external.htm

(be sure to check out the flamethrower video)


--
Oddly enough,

Derek (bismuth)

Random word:

This great little site is very useful

...you can create your own safety signs with new and interesting wordings.

You have to register, or just enter as me: userid is wysiwyg@email.com and PW "8G1EE8".

I have this sign mounted next to my desk wherever I am on contract.....

An still furthering international understaning

....a dictionary of New Zealand terms (many of which are shared with Australia)

In the interests of clearer understanding

between two great nations, a site devoted to one of Australia's great beers. Click on the "Aussie Aussie Aussie" link to access a great language tutorial about how to conduct a conversation in an Australian pub.