Tuesday, April 29, 2008

*whimper*



Can I go back to bed until it warms up?

Also note that the idiot pixie STILL doesn't have gloves on. Probably left them in his locker at school. Well, he'll just have to learn.....

Monday, April 28, 2008

Men's and Women's Brains

Finally, a video explaining the difference in terms we can all understand.

Pixie update

My pixie looked like this at about 7am this morning:


I think its safe to conclude that winter has finally arrived. At least THIS pixie has the enough sense to have both a coat and gloves on.

Friday, April 25, 2008

News Headlines....

...that managed to slip past the editor.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Responsibilities of a Project Manager

To plan and schedule a project effectively, the project manager identifies the following elements:

  • Goal, objective, and expectations of the project, collectively called the scope. When the project is particularly hairy and the goals are hazy, this is called the horror-scope; it can only be established by supernatural means.
  • Required activities, such as luncheons, teas, farewell parties, drinks with the boss, etc.
  • Time estimates for each activity. Said estimates are then doubled, or perhaps tripled, in order to be closer to accurate.
  • Cost estimates for each activity. Ditto.
  • Order of activities. Lord knows you wouldn't want to have the welcome tea right after the farewell luncheon.
  • Activities that can take place at the same time. These are laid out in the Gantt chart. For example, the masseuse can be scheduled to appear during drinks with the boss. It is advisable, however, to be vigilant in scheduling, because arranging for the exotic dancers at the family picnic is sure to bring about problems.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Lest We Forget....

Its ANZAC day this Friday, the day Australia commenorates its servicemen. I was sent this poem which I think is wonderful:

The Anzac on the Wall

I wandered thru a country town 'cos I had time to spare,
And went into an antique shop to see what was in there.
Old Bikes and pumps and kero lamps, but hidden by it all,
A photo of a soldier boy - an Anzac on the Wall.

"The Anzac have a name?" I asked. The old man answered "No,
The ones who could have told me mate, have passed on long ago".
The old man kept on talking and, according to his tale,
The photo was unwanted junk bought from a clearance sale.

"I asked around," the old man said, "but no one knows his face,
He's been on that wall twenty years, deserves a better place.
For some one must have loved him so, it seems a shame somehow."
I nodded in agreement and then said, "I'll take him now."

My nameless digger's photo, well it was a sorry sight,
A cracked glass pane and a broken frame - I had to make it right.
To prise the photo from its frame I took care just in case,
'Cause only sticky paper held the cardboard back in place.

I peeled away the faded screed and much to my surprise,
Two letters and a telegram appeared before my eyes.
The first reveals my Anzac's name, and regiment of course,
John Mathew Francis Stuart - of Australia's own Light Horse.


This letter written from the front, my interest now was keen,
The note was dated August seventh 1917.
"Dear Mum, I'm at Khalasa Springs not far from the Red Sea
They say it's in the Bible - looks like Billabong to me".

"My Kathy wrote I'm in her prayers she's still my bride to be,
I just cant wait to see you both, you're all the world to me.
And Mum you'll soon meet Bluey, last month they shipped him out
I told him to call on you when he's up and about."

"That bluey is a larrikin, and we all thought it funny
He lobbed a Turkish hand grenade into the CO's dunny.
I told you how he dragged me wounded in from no man's land
He stopped the bleeding closed the wound with only his bare hand."

"Then he copped it at the front from some stray shrapnel blast,
It was my turn to drag him in and I thought he wouldn't last.
He woke up in hospital, and nearly lost his mind
'Cause out there on the battlefield he'd left one leg behind."

"He's been in a bad way mum, he knows he'll ride no more
Like me he loves a horse's back, he was a champ before.
So please Mum can you take him in, he's been like my brother,
Raised in a Queensland orphanage he' s never known a mother."


"But 'struth, I miss Australia mum, and in my mind each day
I am a mountain cattleman on high plains far away.
I'm mustering white-faced cattle, with no camel's hump in sight
And I waltz my Matilda by a campfire every night."

"I wonder who rides Billy, I heard the pub burnt down.
I'll always love you and please say hooroo to all in town".
The second letter I could see was in a lady's hand,
An answer to her soldier son there in a foreign land.

Her copperplate was perfect, the pages neat and clean,
It bore the date November 3rd 1917.
"T'was hard enough to lose your Dad, without you at the war,
I'd hoped you would be home by now - each day I miss you more".

"Your Kathy calls around a lot since you have been away
To share with me her hopes and dreams about your wedding day
And Bluey has arrived - and what a godsend he has been
We talked and laughed for days about the things you've done and seen"

"He really is a comfort, and works hard around the farm,
I read the same hope in his eyes that you wont come to harm.
Mc Connell's kids rode Billy, but suddenly that changed
We had a violent lightning storm, and it was really strange.
Last Wednesday just on midnight, not a single cloud in sight
It raged for several minutes, it gave us all a fright
It really spooked your Billy - and he screamed and bucked and reared
And then he rushed the sliprail fence, which by a foot he cleared".

"They brought him back next afternoon, but something's changed I fear
It's like the day you brought him home, for no one can get near.
Remember when you caught him with his black and flowing mane?
Now horse breakers fear the beast that only you can tame,"
"That's why we need you home son" - - then the flow of ink went dry-
This letter was unfinished, and I couldn't work out why.
Until I started reading the letter number three,
A yellow telegram delivered news of tragedy,
Her son killed in action - oh - what pain that must have been
The Same date as her letter - 3rd November 17.
The letter which was never sent, became then one of three
She sealed behind the photo's face - the face she longed to see.

And John's home town's old timers -children when he went to war
Would say no greater cattleman had left the town before.
They knew his widowed mother well - and with respect did tell
How when she lost her only boy she lost her mind as well.
She could not face the awful truth, to strangers she would speak
"My Johnny's at the war you know , he's coming home next week."
They all remembered Bluey he stayed on to the end,
A younger man with wooden leg became her closest friend.

And he would go and find her when she wandered old and weak
And always softly say "yes dear - John will be home next week."
Then when she died Bluey moved on, to Queensland some did say,
I tried to find out where he went, but don't know to this day.
And Kathy never wed - a lonely spinster some found odd
She wouldn't set foot in a church - she'd turned her back on God.
John's mother left no will I learned on my detective trail,
This explains my photo's journey, that clearance sale.
So I continued digging 'cause I wanted to know more,
I found John's name with thousands in the records of the war.
His last ride proved his courage - a ride you will acclaim,
The Light Horse Charge at Beersheba of everlasting fame.

That last day in October back in 1917
At 4pm our brave boys fell - that sad fact I did glean.
That's when John's life was sacrificed, the record's crystal clear
But 4pm in Beersheba is midnight over here.......
So as John's gallant sprit rose to cross the great divide,
Were lightning bolts back home a signal from the other side?
Is that why Billy bolted and went racing as in pain?
Because he'd never feel his master on his back again?
Was it coincidental? same time - same day - same date?
Some proof of numerology, or just a quirk of fate?
I think it's more than that, you know, as I've heard wiser men,
Acknowledge there are many things that go beyond our ken

Where craggy peaks guard secrets 'neath dark skies torn asunder,
Where hoofbeats are companions to the rolling waves of thunder,
Where lightning cracks like 303's and ricochets again,
Where howling moaning gusts of wind sound just like dying men,
Some Mountain cattlemen have sworn on lonely alpine track
They've glimpsed a huge black stallion - Light Horseman on his back.

Yes, sceptics say, it's swirling clouds just forming apparitions.
Oh no, my friend you can't dismiss all this as superstition!
The desert of Beersheba - or windswept Aussie range,
John Stuart rides forever there - now I don't find that strange.
Some gaze at this photo, and they often question me
And I tell them a small white lie, and say he's family.
"You must be proud of him." they say - I tell them, one and all,
"That's why he takes the pride of place - my Anzac on the Wall".

Monday, April 21, 2008

Another Microsoft Interview Question

The interviewer hands you a black pen and says nothing but "This pen is red."

Okaaaaaay......

My response would have been "So you're colour blind, right?".

One of the people at work suggested that if the interviewer was a woman, the correct response would be "Yes, Dear".

Sunday, April 20, 2008

New Weather Pixie

I've sacked the old weather pixie as he was getting as slovenly as I look on a Sunday morning.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Microsoft Test

This is an extract from a test to become a Microsoft employee:

There are 4 women who want to cross a bridge. They all begin on the same side. You have 17 minutes to get all of them across to the other side. It is night. There is one flashlight. A maximum of two people can cross at one time. Any party who crosses, either 1 or 2 people, must have the flashlight with them. The flashlight must be walked back and forth, it cannot be thrown, etc. Each woman walks at a different speed. A pair must walk together at the rate of the slower woman's pace.

Woman 1: 1 minute to cross
Woman 2: 2 minutes to cross
Woman 3: 5 minutes to cross
Woman 4: 10 minutes to cross

For example if Woman 1 and Woman 4 walk across first, 10 minutes have elapsed when they get to the other side of the bridge. If Woman 4 then returns with the flashlight, a total of 20 minutes have passed and you have failed the mission. What is the order required to get all women across in 17 minutes? Now, what's the other way?

No sneaky Googling the answer either!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Do you hate your job?

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson ~ Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized".

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer Quality Control Department at Johnson & Johnson."

Moral of the story: There is always someone else with a job that is more of a pain in the a$$ than yours!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Emoticons and Cats

Saturday, April 12, 2008

When the boss calls in sick....

My first experiment with video...

video

Friday, April 11, 2008

Who loves you most?

This really works:

1) Put your friend/girlfriend/wife, whoever, and your dog into the trunk of a car for an hour.

2) When you open the trunk and let them out, who is the happiest to see you?

Thursday, April 10, 2008

The perils of being an IT engineer...

...servicing printers in the Australian bush - venomous snakes:





Wednesday, April 09, 2008

GPS for Geezers


Saturday, April 05, 2008

Sort of, Dunno, Nothin'

I don't know about teenagers around the rest of the world, but this clip is highly representative of Australian youth. At least in my experience.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

More ways to know when you're getting old

In a fit of posting enthusiasm today, I submit the following:

1) Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
2) The gleam in your eyes is the sun hitting your bi-focals.
3) You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.
4) Your little black book contains only names ending in MD.
5) You get winded playing cards.
6) Your children begin to look middle-aged.
7) You finally reach the top of the ladder, and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
8) Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
9) A dripping tap causes an uncontrollable urge.
10) You have all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
11) You look forward to a dull evening.
12) You need glasses to find your glasses.
13) Your favourite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today".
14) You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
15) You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
16) Your knees buckle but your belt won't.
17) You regret all those mistakes you made resisting temptation.
18) You're 17 round the neck, 42 round the waist, and 95 round the golf course.
19) Your back goes out more than you do.
20) You put your bra on back to front and find that it fits better.
21) A fortune teller offers to read your face.
22) Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl.
23) The little old grey haired lady you help across the road is your wife.
24) You have too much room in the house not enough in your medicine cabinet.
25) You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
26) Your birthday cake collapses under the weight of candles.
27) You get all your exercise acting as pallbearer for your friends.

Did you know...

...that the word "gullible" is the only word to have never appeared in any dictionary?

If you don't believe me, go look it up.....

How to recognise a Persian cat


Tuesday, April 01, 2008

April Fools Day

....has just finished here. I received the following news article from a friend, which I think was from the local paper:

-----------------

CANBERRA, ACT - After running a thousand errands, working hours of overtime, and being stuck in seemingly endless gridlock traffic commuting to and from their jobs, millions of Australians were disheartened to learn that it was, in fact, only Tuesday.

"Tuesday?" Canberra resident Doris Wagner said. "How in the hell is it still Tuesday?"

Tuesday's arrival stunned a nation still recovering from the nightmarish slog that was Monday, leaving some to wonder if the week was ever going to end, and others to ask what was taking Saturday so goddamn long.

"Ugh," said Wagner, echoing a national sense of frustration over it not even being Wednesday at the very least.

According to suddenly depressed sources, the feeling that this week may in fact last forever was further compounded by the thought of all the work left to be done tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, and, if Australians make it that far, possibly even Friday, for Christ's sake.

Fears that the week could actually be going backwards were also expressed.

"Not only do Australians have most of Tuesday morning to contend with, but all of Tuesday afternoon and then Tuesday night," National Labor Relations Board spokesman David Prynn said. "If our calculations are correct, there is a chance we are in effect closer to last weekend than the one coming up."

Added Prynn: "F**k."

Reports that this all has to be some kind of sick joke could not be confirmed as of press time.

Isolated attempts to make the day go faster, such as glancing at watches or clocks every other minute, compulsively checking e-mail, hiding in the office bathroom, fidgeting, or reading a boring magazine while sitting in the waiting room, have also proven unsuccessful, sources report.

The National Institute of Standards and Technology, which oversees the official time of Australia, is flatly denying that it has slowed or otherwise tampered with Tuesday's progression.

"The current Tuesday is keeping apace with past Tuesdays with no more than one ten-thousandth of a second's variation at the most," NIST spokeswoman Dr. Geraldine Schach said. "However, I sympathize with the common consensus that this week has already been a colossal pain in the neck."

Labor Secretary Elaine Chao released a statement addressing widespread speculation that it might as well be Monday for all anyone cares.

"We understand this day has been tough on many of you, what with meetings mercilessly dragging on and an entire stack of files still left to organise," Chao's statement read in part. "Yet we urge Australians to show patience. The midweek hump is just around the corner, and we have strong reason to believe that Saturday will be here before you know it."

"Go about your lives as best you can," the statement continued. "Do not, we repeat, do not take a sick day, as it'll make the rest of the week that much harder to endure."

In the meantime, citizens are doing their best to cope with the interminable week, though Tuesday is still hours away from ending.

"The more I try to speed it along, the longer it almost seems to take," said Dale Bouchard, a Sydney-based broker who has been waiting for today to be over since it first began earlier this morning. "Honestly, today could not have come at a worse time this week."

In the meantime, the latest wristwatch consultations indicate that it is somehow still Tuesday, if that makes any sense at all.