Living Will

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.....

Beware!

World Clocks

A range of them here - but the Generation X clock is the busiest...

At Last, Health Advice I Can Accept

Diet Questions Answered

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO! What a Ride'

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

The joys of having kids

Without further comment...

Strip Searching 13yos

This is one of those WTF?!? moments that occassionally make it into this blog:

Strip Search of 13-Year-Old for Ibuprofen Ruled Unconstitutional

While we don't have the equivalent constitutional protections here in OZ (around which much of the legal debate revolved), you can be sure that any school that decided to strip search my child - at ANY age - without me being present would have hell to pay from me and as many people I can gather together to howl at the Education Department (which over here would be quite a few).

And I don't care how guilty the kid was in fact. There are some bounds you just don't cross, and the equivalent of an institution into which I am forced to place the care of my child committing assult without my knowledge, let alone consent, is one of them.

The actual judgement, while long and somewhat leaglly obtuse, makes for interesting reading - particularly as the ruling was passed with only a 6-5 majority, when you'd think it was pretty bleeding obvious the search was in appropriate.

As another blog mentioned in the original article noted:

“There are two kinds of people in the world: the kind who think it’s perfectly reasonable to strip-search a 13-year-old girl suspected of bringing ibuprofen to school, and the kind who think those people should be kept as far away from children as possible … Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between drug warriors and child molesters.”

The message to my children will be: If you get caught up in a situation, just keep saying "Not until my parents get here".

Look at the air...

...the kid on the end gets:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VpXlnZp29UM

I wanna go! I wanna go!

Only in America...

Police halt 'mooning' of trains in Laguna Niguel after a crowd of 8,000 gather

Fail

Male or Female?

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.

Here are some examples:


FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.

They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying!

I Suspect the Author Lacked Gorm...

"I’m feeling quite gruntled and ritatable today, that because I think today will be full of asterous situations, although I cern the reasons why. However I’m profident that you feel the same way".

And then there is:

"First they came for the verbs, and I said nothing because verbing weirds language. Then they arrival for the nouns, and I speech nothing because I no verbs".

Picasso Head

This is a bit neat.

My effort is a message to our branch about the state of the budget for the next year....

Just Say Yes to Telemarketers

This prank provides a whole new approach to dealing with telemarketers if you have a bit of time to spare.