Saturday, October 29, 2005

Preparation for Parenthood

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it -- it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2.45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark
until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this -- all morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the
playgroup committee.

7. Forget the BMW and buy a Hyundai. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbours
come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child -- a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even ontemplate
having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy oatmeal and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the oatmeal is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month
old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Mr. Rogers Neighbourhood, and available Disney movie. When you find yourself singing "Lion King" songs at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

A Chain Letter For Women

This letter was started by a woman like yourself, in the hope of bringing relief to other tired discontented women.

Unlike most chain letters, this does not cost anything.

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your husband or boyfriend, send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your name comes to the top of the list, you will receive 16,877 men, and one of them is bound to be a hell of a lot better than the one you already have. All that, and the current bastard is only given one chance to enjoy himself!

DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN..................One woman who broke the chain got her own husband back.

At the time of writing, a friend of mine had already received 184 men. They buried her yesterday, but it took three undertakers 36 hours to get the smile off her face.


Friday, October 28, 2005

Spelling put into perspective....

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh?

Tlod you taht sellping croreclty was bnuk....

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

A new guy saying....

"You only need two things in life: WD-40 to make things go, and duct tape to make them stop"

Friday, October 21, 2005

The Good Fairy.....

Now I know why the faeries give me such a hard time.....


A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.

"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra -Two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband's turn.

He thought for a moment and said: "Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife who is 30 years younger than me".

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...

So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and - abracadabra! - The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story.....

Men can wish for whatever they want....

But fairies are......


Thursday, October 20, 2005

My New Project Management Motto:

"Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who oppose them"

Which goes well with:

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines"

Friday, October 14, 2005

This had me going for a while.....

This one can make a complete fool of you (ed note: it did). Good luck. After you have thought about this for a while, pass it on to those poor unsuspecting friends you just love to pull something over on. Be ready to explain how Le Woogie does this, 'cause they're going to ask!

The 'Le Woogie' Card Trick. Performed by: Le Woogie

Pick one of the following cards. Don 't click on it; just keep it in your head.

Think about your card for 20 seconds in front of Le Woogie.

Le Woogie will attempt to read your mind! Scroll down after 20 Seconds .

The Great Le Woogie Has Removed Your Card!

Now scroll back up and have another go - he's uncanny!

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Oooops! Our secret is out....

What Guys Really Mean...

Well there you go....

Now I know why I like it here:

Australia rated "happiest" country

From quite a nice news site and all.

I need some of this at my place....

Kidstoned Chewable Valium

You also have to be careful with technology....

...including not leaving it lying about.....

...and speaking of PMS....

This car obviously didn't start first time....

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Ahhhh, if technology were REALLY like this....

This is what a computer should do first thing in the morning!
Click HERE and then type in your first name...

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Marketing Terminology Defined

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

The word processor we wish we had....