Need a laugh?

Have a fantastic weekend!! Oh... and enjoy next week, too! love Kathy O:-)


For those who take life too seriously


1. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.

2. A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE, NIGHT.

3. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.

4. I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT...... IT WASN'T FAMILIAR TERRITORY.

5. 42.7 PERCENT OF ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP ON THE SPOT.

6. 99 PERCENT OF LAWYERS GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME.

7. I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.

8. HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.

9. REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE.

10. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST.

11. DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.

12. THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE CHEESE.

13. I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL.

14. SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.

15. MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK.

16. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.

17. CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES.

18. GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT TRADE!

19. PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.

20. ALWAYS TRY TO BE HUMBLE, AND PROUD OF IT!

21. IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF PAYMENTS.

22. IF YOU BELIEVE IN PSYCHO-KINESIS, RAISE MY HAND.

23. OK, SO WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK?

24. HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?

25. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY OVERLOOKED SOMETHING.

26. WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG LANE.

27. HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.

28. EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME JUST DO NOT HAVE FILM.

29. IF BARBIE IS SO POPULAR, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER FRIENDS?

30. HOW MUCH DEEPER WOULD THE OCEAN BE WITHOUT SPONGES?

31. EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES

32. WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?

33. I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING OUT.

34. I COULDN'T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES, SO I MADE YOUR HORN LOUDER.

35. WHY DO PSYCHICS HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR NAME?

36. INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED?

37. JUST REMEMBER ....... IF THE WORLD DID NOT SUCK, WE WOULD ALL FALL OFF.

38. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR BRIGHT .......... UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK.

HAR!

One dark night outside a small town in Wisconsin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.

It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire & fought it back on all sides.

It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!

So you think you know evertything?

WRONG!

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the
back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child
reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full
moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line
would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an
average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or
purple.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
building is an American flag.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears
never stop growing.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and
"lollipop" with your right.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel
that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and
a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every
letter of the alphabet.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely
solid.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are
read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in
order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only
on one row of the keyboard.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks;
otherwise it will digest itself.

.............Now you know everything

Nothing but net...

Quite amazing basketball shots.

Your tax system at work...

And this just in from another sister. This has to do with a debate that has been running recently over here about tax cuts - the government, in what must be a first, has handed out tax cuts that are roughly the same percentage for each tax group.

Sadly, how the debate has been run is almost exactly like the description below. As a person who's been in the top tax bracket in Australia for over 20 years (not that it takes much to be in the top tax bracket over here), I know I'm going to get it in the neck every time I hear a politician say "This new arrangement will make it fairer for all Australians...."

------------------------

You've heard the cry in the last couple of weeks from across Australia: "It's just a tax cut for the rich!", and it is accepted as fact. But what does that really mean?

The following explanation may help.....

Suppose that every night, 10 old school mates go out for dinner at La Porchetta's. The bill for all 10 comes to $100. They decided to pay their bill the way they pay their taxes and it went like this:

* The first four men (the poorest) paid nothing.

* The fifth paid $1.

* The sixth $3.

* The seventh $7.

* The eighth $12.

* The ninth $18.

* The tenth man (the richest) paid $59.


All 10 were quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner said:

"Since you are all such good customers, I'm going to give you a $20 discount."


So now dinner for the 10 only cost $80. The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.


The first four men were unaffected. They would still eat for free.

But how should the other six, the paying customers, divvy up the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his "fair share"?

They realised that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth and sixth men would each end up being paid to eat. The restaurateur suggested reducing each man's bill by roughly the same percentage, thus:

* The fifth man paid nothing (like the first four) instead of $1 (100%saving).

* The sixth paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).

* The seventh paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).

* The eighth paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).

* The ninth paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).

* The tenth paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).


Each of the six was better off, and the first four continued to eat for free, as now did the fifth - but outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man "but Fred got $10!"

"That's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar too. It's unfair that Fred got ten times more than me!"

"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should Fred get $10 back when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded Fred (the tenth & richest) and gave him a real hard time.


The next night the Fred didn't show up for dinner. The nine sat down and ate without him, but when they came to pay the bill, they discovered that they didn't have enough money between all of them to meet even half of the bill!

That, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works.

The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up at the table anymore.

There are lots of good restaurants in Monaco and the Caribbean.

[With thanks to David R. Kamerschen, Professor of Economics, University of NSW.]

Alternative Explanation for the Slater/Habte-Gabr Simularities

Like father, like son.

Thanks to Marvin the Margin-Stretcher.....

A Pirate, tell a lightbulb joke, eat beer chips, and... MJ's oil?

Hey, sorry if you prefer these to be individual emails, but I suffer from an acute case of a rare disease doctors have just recently made up but you probably have anyway, called 'laziness'. And sorry if my subject line caused mental image overload...

Ripley's Talk Like A Pirate Contest

"Hey, how many dead cow skulls does it take to screw in a light- Oh, you've heard this one already?" You must have gone here: Definitive Collection of Lightbulb Jokes So Far Known

Finally, there is peace! Beer-Battered Fries unite beer and chips

Breaking news on the MJ trial: They're getting desperate for a defense: Neverland's Crude Secret


Seriously,
Marvin Paranoid Android