Deteriorata - National Lampoon's Spoof of Desiderata

...and then of course this version, performed by National Lampoon on "National Lampoon Radio Dinner," a 1972 recording by Blue Thumb Records. Lyrics by Tony Hendra.


Introduction

You are a fluke
Of the universe.
You have no right to be here.....
Deteriorata! Deteriorata!

Go placidly
Amid the noise and waste.
And remember what comfort there may be
In owning a piece thereof.

Avoid quiet and passive persons
Unless you are in need of sleep.

Ro-tate your tires.

Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself
And heed well their advice,
Even though they be turkeys.

Know what to kiss.....and when!

Consider that two wrongs never make a right
But that THREE.........do.

Wherever possible, put people on hold.

Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment
And despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer main-te-nance.

Chorus

You are a fluke
Of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
And whether you can hear it or not
The universe is laughing behind your back.

Remember the Pueblo.

Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and mu-ti-late.

Know yourself.
If you need help, call the FBI.

Exercise caution in your daily affairs,
Especially with those persons closest to you.
That lemon on your left, for instance.

Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls
Would scarcely get your feet wet.

Fall not in love therefore;
It will stick to your face.

Gracefully surrender the things of youth:
The birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan
And let not the sands of time
Get in your lunch.

Hire people with hooks.

For a good time call 606-4311;
Ask for "Ken."

Take heart amid the deepening gloom
That your dog is finally getting enough cheese.

And reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot
It could only be worse in Milwaukee.

Chorus

You are a fluke
Of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
And whether you can hear it or not
The universe is laughing behind your back.

Therefore, make peace with your god
Whatever you conceive him to be---
Hairy thunderer, or cosmic muffin.

With all its hopes, dreams, promises and urban renewal
The world continues to deteriorate.

GIVE UP!

Reprise

You are a fluke
Of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
And whether you can hear it or not
The universe is laughing behind your back.

Desiderata for UNIX Network Processes

Sorry, another techno babble Desiderata version that made me snicker - if you're not a techno geek, skip to the next post.....

Route placidly amid channel noise and network failures,
And remember what throughput there may be in executing all alone.

As far as possible, without overflowing buffer
Be on communicative terms with all processes.
Broadcast your data quietly and clearly
And listen(2) to others.
Even to the null and the unreachable,
They too have their requests.
Avoid long and argumentative sessions
They are burdensome to the ether.

If you compare your priority with others'
You may become vain or bitter
For always there will be greater and lesser processes than yourself.

Enjoy your CPUtime as well as your idletime.
Keep cognizance of your portmapper, however low-level
It is a constant port in the changing mappings of the network.

Exercise caution in your execution,
For the kernel is full of traps.
But let this not blind you to what swap space there is;
Many channels strive for high bandwidths, and everywhere
Computing is full of parallelism.

Be yourself. (Check with getpid(2) frequently)
Especially do not forge NFS file handles.
Neither be cynical about sockets,
For in the face of all congestion and delays
They are as powerful as STREAMS.

Take kindly the influx of new requests,
Gracefully re-prioritizing the older ones.

Nurture support of check-points to rollback from sudden crashes
But do not thrash pages due to imagined pagefaults:
Many core dumps are born of bus error or segmentation faults.

Beyond a nominal consideration,
Be nice(1) to other processes.

You are a child in the kernel space
No less than the daemons and the device drivers,
You have a right to execute here.
And whether or not it is apparent to you
No doubt the kernel is crashing, though it shouldn't.

Therefore be at peace with your programmer
However geeky you think s/he is.
And wherever your read(2)'s and recvfrom(2)'s,
In the noisy communication channels of the network,
Keep a valid (void *) buf available in your address space.
With all its stopped jobs, missing arguments and broken pipes,
It is still a UNIX shell.

Be backward-compatible.
Strive to be up and running always.

Desiderata for the Techno-Geezers Amongst Us....

On a less serious note, while dispensing observations on life and other good advice:

Go placidly among the line noise and baudrates, and remember what boredom there was before BBSing. As far as possible, do not covet your neighbor's HST. Answer your Email clearly and without typos, even to the nerds that pester you, for they have something to say even if you can't figure out what it is.

Avoid female impersonators in chat, for they are dangerous to your ego. If you compare yourself with others, you may consider suicide; for there is always someone more proficient in Zmodem than yourself.

Label your disks.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; even after staying up all night downloading. Exercise caution in your business affairs; because you need the money to pay your CompuServe bill. But let this not blind you to what enjoyment there is on your local BBS; many persons strive for the most recent shareware; and uploads get you more time on line.

Be yourself. Especially, do not lie about your age or looks when responding to Email from "SexyLady." Do not post messages in all caps. Neither be cynical about donations to the SYSOP; for in the face of all reality, he needs the money for the phone lines.

Beware of viruses.

Take kindly the counsel of Bill Gates and Peter Norton, gracefully admitting that they know more than you will ever learn. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you from sudden hard disk crashes. But do not distress yourself with needless worry. Many fears are born of fatigue from being connected all night to ExecPC. Register your shareware.

You are a child of the universe, you have a right to buy a 9600 V- Series Hayes. And whether or not it is clear to you, the communications program is understandable. Read the documentation.

Therefore be at peace with the SYSOP, no matter what a jerk he is, and whatever your BBS plans may be, take your spouse out to dinner occasionally.

With all its bad documentation, high registration fees, and aborted downloads, it is stll better than paying for commercial software. Be cheerful. Strive to pay your phone bill.

All I Ever Really Needed to Know....

...I Learned in Kindergarten - by Robert Fulgham

"Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, and how to be, I learned in Kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school.

These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair. Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess. Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work some every day.

Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.

Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup - they all die. So do we.

And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK . Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation, ecology and politics and sane living.

Think of what a better world it would be if we all - the whole world - had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other nations to always put things back where we found them and clean up our own messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together."

Thanks Kaf (aka Lt Woman)....

...for reminding me about this post that originated from Jeff Meyerson for impending parents. Note that we acknowledge the truth of #25:

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...

Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding)

1) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with Roller blades, they can ignite.

3) A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all Four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9) A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12) Super glue is forever.

13) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15) VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18) You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20) The fire department in La Mesa, CA has a 5-minute response time.

21) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24) The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade-true story:

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused, then asked the class, "...And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy mackerel! A talking pig!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

25) Eighty percent of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

LMAO!

For all those prospective parents that already have a cat - be warned, this WILL happen!

My neighbours are SO lucky....

....that my Honey doesn't let me decorate my home.

Translator's Guide to Wives

I know so many of these to be true, the rest HAVE to be credible....

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'm not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.

Gotta love the politically correct....

....turns out my shed cleaning is merely suffering "deferred success".

The story behind the use of the term "mate" to address a Member of Parliament (in the last para of the article) is true. Happened a few months ago. Seems that some newbie wanker MP that was WAY to far up himself, complained about a security guard who had inadvertently used the term to him. The guard was sacked and the rest cautioned to demonstrate more respect.

Of course the media had an absolute field day, as did most of the jerk's colleagues at his expense - its the equivalent to trying to tell an American to give up their guns - totally unpatriotic and un-Australian.

The guard was eventually reinstated, and the suitably chastised MP issued a qualification statement to the effect that his complaint had "unintended consequences". Case of deferred success if ever I saw one.

Defined by Gender

Shamelessly stolen from Dave's Daily. BTW, I've always thought they ought to replace a girl's thingy with something more tractable and quick release like velcro. But that's just me.

-----------------------------------------------

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.

Change a letter and you get...

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's {2005} winners (#15 is particularly true of me!):

1. Intaxication:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation:
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.):
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,
unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy:
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.):
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti:
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm:
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte:
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis:
Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis:
A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon:
It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes,
right?
And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.):
The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only
things that are good for you.

13. Glibido:
All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you
rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.):
The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked
through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.):
Satan, in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom
at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.):
The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're
eating.


And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus:
A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.

*Hic*

More reasons to love this place:

Getting drunk part of Australian identity, study finds