Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

...thanks to Kaf...

*Schizophrenia* - Do You Hear What I Hear?

*Narcissistic* - Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

*Manic* - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Street and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants

*Paranoid* - Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

*Multiple Personality Disorder* - We Three Queens Disoriented Are

*Amnesia* - I Don't Know if I'll Be Home for Christmas

*Borderline Personality Disorder* - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

*Personality Disorder* - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

*Obsessive Compulsive Disorder* - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ....

*Agoraphobia* - I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day but Couldn't Leave My House

*Autistic* - Jingle Bell Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock

*Senile Dementia* - Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House in My lippers and Robe

*Oppositional Defiance Disorder* - I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

*Social Anxiety Disorder* - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate

Best of the weird in 2005

To round off the year, a collection of weird stories from Yahoo, and some more from MyWay.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New year to you all!

And you thought the sex laws in YOUR area were strict....

Bizarre Sex Laws

1. Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh."

2. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

3. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

4. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

5. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

6. There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

7. In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.)

8. In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

9. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

10. In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for on the premises."

What Makes Life 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented

as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then,

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far .........

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

will take you.

Well, it takes all sorts I suppose....

The shaken residents of Auckland, New Zealand, are today recovering from a terrifying ordeal provoked by 40 rioting Santas who robbed stores, assaulted security guards and, shockingly, "urinated from highway overpasses", as The Sydney Morning Herald reports.

Auckland Central Police operative Noreen Hegarty told the paper how the rampage began last Saturday when the bad Santa collective (drunk and wearing "ill-fitting Santa costumes") chucked beer bottles and relieved themselves from the aforementioned overpasses.

They then "rushed through a central city park, overturning garbage bins, throwing bottles at passing cars and spraying graffiti on office buildings".

One Santa climbed the mooring line of a cruise ship and was quickly arrested for his trouble. Other Santas at the scene objected and piled into security staff who subsequently required paramedical attention.

To cap this orgy of disorder, several Santas then went into a convenience store and made off with beer and fizzy pop. Owner Changa Manakynda recalled: "They came in, said 'Merry Christmas' and then helped themselves."

The devil Santas are apparently members of a worldwide movement - dubbed Santarchy - and "designed to protest the commercialisation of Christmas". Three of their number were arrested during the Auckland anti-Yule uprising.

Police are currently looking for 37 other men described as "wearing red coats, red hats and sporting big white beards".

What would happen....

...if I WAS allowed to decorate my house!

Even Santa can have problems at Christmas....

...and my favourite:

This Christmas....

.... employers are encouraging their staff to limit themselves to just one drink at the Christmas Party.

However, let it never be said that Australians are not lateral thinkers.....

Why Men Are So Happy

This thanks to Rita:

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

For those of you seeking a little inner peace.....

In recognition of my recent birthday....

...You now you are getting old when....