The Man Rules

These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
FIRST & FOREMOST RULE

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do..
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself..

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour.
Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football
or Cricket.

1.. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Kevin the Chicken

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, to fertilise the pullets' eggs.

Trevor kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was Kevin, and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Kevin's bell hadn't rung at all!

Trevor went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor's amazement, Kevin had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Kevin, he entered him into the Brisbane Exhibition and Kevin became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The Result?

The judges not only awarded Kevin the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Kevin was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Random Thoughts of the Day from Ruminations

I love these!

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to Have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're Going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

That's enough, Nickelback.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f * ck was going on when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, both go left, both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can recognize their own image.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads.
Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I Know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away,in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would Happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

How the Fighting Starts....

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

Further thought for the day

"We are driving the bus of our own destiny. Of course, we lost the map, we're low on gas, and the restrooms need cleaning." - Bob Tzu, long lost American cousin of Lao Tzu.

Turtle Attack

I think all my illusions about turtles being slow moving, inoffensive creatures were just destroyed by this clip.

Thought for the Day

"In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don't try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present."

Lao Tzu

As one of my sisters said: "Easy to quote, hard to live up to".

Twenty Lessons Learnt From Monty Python

Never let it be said that they weren't an inspiration.

Cyborg Name Decoder

This is a bit of fun.

W.Y.S.I.W.Y.G.: Worker Yearning for Sabotage, Immediate Warfare and Yearly Gratification

What tha....only Yearly?!?

UPDATE:

I see what the problem is now - I was using the wrong name generator.

W.Y.S.I.W.Y.G.: Wonderful Your Stud Imparting Worship and Yummy Gratification

Thought of the week...

...for those with a more dominant attitude towards inter-personal communications:

"When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape..."

A Call to Arms

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members..

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

The results of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and engineering performance.

It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most engineers cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates.

Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.

So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes.

Get back into the bars! Quaff that pint! Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have.

Be all that you can be!

Wisdom of the Ages

Some of my favourites from this site of some 7000-odd:

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgemental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape isn't it?

Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.

...and last but not least....*ba DUM Tish*:

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

Reflections on the life you should lead...

**UPDATE**

It appears she's not as old as portrayed, she just turned 53

-------------------------------------

Written By Regina Brett ,
90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay cheque.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But The second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets , wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion, today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give it time.

31. However good or bad a situation is , it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Alert Levels

With apologies to all the nationalities mentioned here, except my own...

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And at a local level...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Sh--, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us".. In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the used of the final escalation level...

There needs to be more of this

(Reposted from the DB Blog)

RunPee.com

Operating like a sort of Wikipedia for the boring bits of films, it lets users nominate moments in films where the plot dawdles, and urination may safely take place. An approximate point in the film's running time is given for each pee-opportunity, along with a brief description of what you'll see onscreen when the toilet-window opens.

Now all I need is the equivalent system to advise when to take breaks from my children's lengthy descriptions of their zombie fighting exploits...

Being an Arachnophobe....

...leads you to worry about all sorts of things....

(via http://www.horacek.com.au/topic.htm)

Swine Flew

Laws Concerning Food and Drink

Laws Concerning Food and Drink
Household Principles
Lamentations of the Father
by Ian Frazier, King-James-ized by Ian Chai

Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight thou mayest eat, but not in the living room. Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, thou mayest eat, but not in the living room. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, thou mayest eat, but not in the living room. Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance thou mayest eat, but not in the living room. Of the quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats thou mayest eat, but absolutely not in the living room. Of the juices and other beverages, yea, even of those in sippy-cups, thou mayest drink, but not in the living room, neither mayest thou carry such therein. Indeed, when thou reachest the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there thou mayest not eat, neither mayest thou drink.

But if thou art sick, and art lying down and watching something, then mayest thou eat in the living room.

Laws When at Table
And if thou art seated in thy high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keepest thou thy legs and feet below thee as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place thy feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yea, even when thou hast an interesting bandage to show, thy feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke. Drink thy milk as it is given thee, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if thou wilt dip thy blocks in the milk, and lick it off, thou wilt be sent away. When thou hast drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by thy teeth hold it to thy face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck; for thou wilt be sent away.

When thou chewest thy food, keep thy mouth closed until thou hast swallowed, and do not open it to show thy brother or thy sister what is within; I say unto thee, do not so, even if thy brother or thy sister hast done the same unto thee. Eat thy food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between thy jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe thy lips. I say again to thee, do not touch it, but leave it as it is. And though thy stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why. Sit just as I have told thee, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until thou art nearly slid away. Heed me; for if thou sittest like that, thy hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.

Laws Pertaining to Dessert
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then thou shalt have dessert. But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If thou hast eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and thou hast also eaten enough of thy potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then thou shalt have dessert. But if thou eatest a lesser number of peas, and yet thou eatest the potatoes, still thou shalt not have dessert; and if thou eatest the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, thou shalt not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof. And if thou triest to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear thou hast eaten what thou hast not, thou wilt fall into iniquity. And I will know, and thou shalt have no dessert.

On Screaming
Do not scream; for it is as if thou screamest all the time. If thou art given a plate on which two foods thou wishest not to touch each other are touching each other, thy voice rises up even unto the ceiling, while thou pointest to the offense with the finger of thy right hand; but verily I say unto thee, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault. Likewise if thou receivest a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome unto thee, and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm thee, and causest thee a faint unto death, make not that sound from within thy throat, neither coverest thou thy face, nor pressest thou thy fingers to thy nose. For even now I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat of it myself, yet do not die.

Concerning Face and Hands
Cast thy countenance upward unto the light, and lift thine eyes unto the hills, that I may more easily wash thee off. For the stains are upon thee; even unto the very back of thy head, there is rice thereon. And in the breast pocket of thy garment, and upon the tie of thy shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see. Only hold thyself still; hold still, I say.

Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and thou shalt not go hence until I have done.

Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances
Bite not, lest thou be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of thine own bath water, nor of bath water of any kind; nor rub thy feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub thyself against cars, nor against any building; nor eat sand.

Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that thou shouldst so afflict it with tape? And hum not that humming in thy nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me unto madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.

The Atlantic Monthly; February 1997; Laws Concerning Food and Drink; Household Principles; Lamentations of the Father;
Volume 279, No. 2; pages 89-90

I'm glad I'm a boy!

This is a repost from DB's blog because its SO worth sharing.

Anyone care to guess when the book was published? No sneaking going off and Googling the answer either...I was wrong by about 20 years.

How Swine Flu actually got started...

Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day.

Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

'Hello?'

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

'Yes,' whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, 'No.'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?'

' Yes'

'May I talk with her?'

Again the small voice whispered, 'No'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman'

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'A helicopter' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, 'The search team just landed a helicopter full of dogs'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are the dogs searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

'ME.'

Server Error Page

I'd like to see more of these - if you are going to be disappointed, may as well have a laugh as well....

I don't think so!

I wonder what could go wrong with this idea...

More to the point, how on earth did it ever get to the prototype stage without someone saying "Hmmmm. I wonder if anyone would be willing to put their arm in this in the event of a real fire, and risk getting burnt to a cinder?"

Sub-prime Crisis Explained

This has to be the best explanation I've seen yet. You may have to go full screen on the presentation to read the writing...

Tools Explained

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh -- '

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMM-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMM-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Nigella's Way vs The Real Woman's Way

Nigella's Way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice-cream drips.
The Real Woman's Way: Just suck the ice-cream out of the bottom of the cone for goodness sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Nigella's Way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with your potatoes.
The Real Woman's Way: Buy instant mash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.

Nigella's Way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Woman's Way: Safeway sells cakes. They even do decorated versions.

Nigella's Way: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while its still cooking, drop in a potatoe slice.
The Real Woman's Way: If you over-salt a dish while its still cooking, that's tough! Please recite with me the Real Woman's Motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes".

Nigella's Way: Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting it in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Woman's Way: It could keep forever. Who eats it?

Nigella's Way: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Woman's Way: Cure for Headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have a headache, but you won't care!

Nigella's Way: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Woman's Way: So what are men for, then??

Nigella's Way: Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles
The Real Woman's Way: Left over wine??? Hellooooo!

Due to the financial crisis...

...we have no choice but to fire Andre:

Autistic basketball player

This is one of the most wonderful stories I think I've ever heard.

How to Clean a Toilet...

...for you bachelors out there...

This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.


Yours Sincerely,
The Dog