More emergency signs....

...some new interpretations of safety signs.

I've been informed just now...

... that this is diagram represents how a woman's mind works, which would go a fair distance to explaining why men have trouble understanding them of course:



Now here's a problem with the story I'm trying to unfold - the picture is supposed to be an animated GIF, which means, if it was working properly, that all the little men and machines and things are all moving about processing and shifting the little blue balls through the maze of loops and traps and levers and bells and whistles. Everything is all moving at once in a blindingly complex fashion.

So you have to imagine that bit until I work out what's wrong. Or you can go HERE, then click on "Misc Files", and then "Woman's Brain".

Anyway, the assertion that accompanied the diagram is, quote, "Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved." The sender then went on to comment "Good thing a man's brain requires only two balls."

The problem is, if you could but see the machine in action, all the little blue balls appear to keep dropping out of the bottom of the picture after having been flung about chaotically with no apparent outcome for having been through the process.....

Which leads me to remark that its a good thing us guys have a simplified view of life that in fact produces a result with only two balls.......;oP

The Perfect Couple

...courtesy of Di originally.

NOTE: THIS was sent to me. I am not to blame. Do NOT shoot the message bearer.

Buzzwords for the New Millenium

TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on.

SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they ave children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

SINBAD. Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.

404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message
"404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all', or pressed "delete").

BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.

BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home fter booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS. A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nothing in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH. A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

PEARL HARBOUR. Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbor" out there (there's a nasty nip in the air).

PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks.

SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person

Just to keep faith...

...with my female audience....

By way of rapid explanation....

... the film in the previous post was probably created at about the same time the following actual minute was prepared in our Department of Foreign Affairs (recently made available under the 30-year rule for release of Government documents).

You can see the minute by going HERE, then clicking "Misc Files" and "DFAT".

I was told (but I don't know if its true), that, at that time, if a woman got married she was forced to resign from the Public Service - hence all the references to how soon after joining girls got married and were "lost" to the Department.

*ducks again*

Update: Very spookily the following was circulated this afternoon:

"It is 40 years since the “Marriage Bar” was lifted. Under the “Marriage Bar” women were “deemed to have retired from the APS” on marriage. While they were able to work as temporary employees after marriage, this limited the career opportunities and types of work available to them. The Australian Public Service Commission is arranging a celebration to commemorate the lifting of the Marriage Bar, at a function being held on 20 November 2006....."

This puts the minute above at about 3 years before the public service got with the times....

If you are female.....

....do NOT click on THIS link.

*ducks anyway*

Funny auction

THIS is a link to a PDF of a funny auction that took place on the New Zealand equivalent of e-Bay. Be sure to scroll down to read the various questions and answers about what the guy was selling....

Update: If that link doesn't work for you, go HERE and then select "Misc Files" and then "Time Machine Auction". I don't know why Yahoo makes it so difficult to link to a file, but there you go.

My pick....

...from "The Last Photo I Ever Took" contest:

Fairies

I have, of course, known this to be true for some time:

----------------------

A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...

So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of the story:

Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.

You know...

....somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on my windscreen.

It said: 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.