Parental Sneakiness

A man in Brisbane calls his son in Adelaide (2000 miles away) two days before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
 
"Gees Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
 
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says, "we're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Darwin (1500 miles away) and tell her."
 
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
 
She calls Brisbane immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there by tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
 
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."

Christmas in Russia

A communist couple are walking across Red Square when the husband feels something cold fall on his nose.

"Its starting to rain", he says to his wife.

"Nonsense!", she said, "Its too cold for that, it must be starting to snow".

Well, as these things do, the argument escalated.

Just as it was it was about to come to blows, the husband notices Rudolf, the local Commissar, walking toward them.

"Hah!", he says, "We'll let Comrade Rudolf decide what is going on".

They pose the question to Comrade Rudolf, who simply responds "Its starting to rain", and walks away.

"Ridiculous!", screams the wife, "How would HE know anyway"

Smirking that smirk that only a male who rarely has an argument in the bag can smirk, the husband replies:

"Because........Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear".

29 One-liners

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs.A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original "point and click" interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

The Christmas Decoration

The first cut, rather crappy, video of the Christmas decoration I built this year, taken live at the judging. I'll post a better version next week after the kids' open day on Wednesday, along with some of the competition.

Sadly I didn't win this year, due to an undiscovered bias on the part of the judge for model trains. In response, of course, I'm organising a "People's Choice" competition at the open day. After all, you don't invest five days of your life into something like this and LOSE.

Christmas Carols for the Disturbed

The person that sent me this rather unkindly suggested that number 5 might seem familiar.

It did....faintly....the list wasn't long enough....

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is Franceso far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ...

More definitions

I just noticed that Bis Insomniac kindly added a few more definitions. I can specifically relate to the first one, having spent hours wrestling with the dang thing and getting nowhere:

rubik's cure - a big heavy mallet

blogarithmic growth - the rate at which new posts accumulate

imminent domain - the feeling prince charles gets when mom is ill

ESPirin - pill you take before you get a headache

UPDATE: Whooooops! That should read Insomniac added a few more definitions. Can't read my own blog apparently. Sorry Insom, and thanks for the correction Bis.