Ponderisms....

- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

- Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

- If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

- Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Geezer joke.....

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

Elderly Funnies

*sigh* My sister sent me this depressingly understandable set of quotes. Fortunately she's my OLDER sister....

Wys

--- I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.** - My favourite!

--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

--- My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

--- I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

--- It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

--- These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

--- I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

--- Don't think of it as getting hot flushes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

--- Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!

--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Weather Pixie

Ok, I'll admit it, I'm shamelessly ripping off a feature of Scat's blog - the Weather Pixie.

This is mostly in order to gloat over how warm it is here in Australia by comparison to how cold it is everywhere else. So I've kept it easy for northern hemisphere types and used Farenheit to display the temperature.

The weather pixie will very likely disappear from the site in the not too distant future, when it starts getting cold here. Because then, of course, YOU lot will be gloating.

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UPDATE!

For those of you that are attention span challenged, you have to scroll down to find the Weather pixie - its under the archives in the sidebar.....

Go on, say I won't.....

This just MIGHT be a photo of Lab as a baby.....

Cat at about stage 6....

Giving a cat a pill

Here is how it is done:

http://www.marvistavet.com/html/pilling_a_cat.html

I had a vet friend of mine show me how to do this. Worked like a charm....for the vet. This is more like what happened when I tried it for myself:

Instructions for giving your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call friend.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down, remove ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to friend's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, hold cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet of steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get friend to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA* to collect cat. Ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

*snicker*

Getting Married

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother, Mrs. Goldberg, he has fallen in love and is going to get married.

He says to his mother, "Just for fun, Ma, tomorrow I'm going to bring three women to your house to meet you, and you can try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

Of course, Mrs. Goldberg agrees.

The next day he brings three beautiful women into his mother's house and sits them all down on her couch.

They chat for a while with Mrs. Goldberg, who serves them coffee and pastries.

That evening, after the three women have left Mrs. Goldberg's home, the son says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The redhead."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."

GAK!!!!

Number 18.....

*shudder*

1. China has close to 25% of the world's population.

2. Christmas became a national holiday in the US in 1890.

3. Cows sweat through their noses.

4. Deer sleep only 5 minutes a day.

5. Despite a population of well over one billion people, there are only an estimated 250 million televisions in use in China.

6. Dogs can't decipher size. That's why little dogs are mean.

7. Cleveland law forbids you to operate a motor vehicle while sitting in another person's lap.

8. Dave Matthews relocated to the United States to avoid service in the South African Military.

9. Don't even think about having sex while in a moving ambulance in Tremonton, Utah as it is extremely illegal. Of course, a stationary ambulance is another story.

10. Dentists have recommended that toothbrushes be kept at least six feet from toilets to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

11. Dolphins can look in different directions with each eye. They can sleep with one eye open.

12. Cockroaches break wind every 15 minutes.

13. Coffee was first known in Europe as Arabian Wine.

14. Did you know that 85.7% of statistics are made up?

15. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

16. During pregnancy, the average woman's uterus expands up to five hundred times its normal size.

17. China was the first country to use paper money.

18. During the average human life, you will consume 70 assorted bugs as well as 10 spiders as you sleep.

19. Did you know that crocodiles never outgrow the pool in which they live?

20. Death Valley, California, has a point that is 280 feet below sea level.

Be careful of drooling.....

....over the iPod accessories, otherwise you might experience a nanogasm.

Of course it goes without saying that you would experience one of these if you bought the #1 attachment.....